Posted in healing, heartache, Jesus, Life Lessons, Love, Prayer, Truth, Word, Writing

Me, Being Vulnerable

I took this picture on a beautiful night on a beach in Ventura, California. It was the only long trip I took with my husband. This is the cover of my book. It’s breathtaking. But I cannot look at it without wanting to throw up.
Why? He left. Suddenly. Had a baby with someone else.

Betrayal by someone you intimately, ultimately trusted (bio Dad, exes, friends who violently assaulted me) makes you question your worth, your decision making skill set, your whole life. It can cause you to dissociate from yourself. To cling to anyone who appears to love you while pushing them away with your actions. It causes you to feel unsafe in every single relationship you have. It’s cost me real love, and time, and closeness with people I adore.

It shuts you down, forces you to cope one way or the other. For me, I drank to numb the pain. I couldn’t handle it.

Sixteen years later I’m finally feeling it. All of it. Without the aid of any pain killers. And it’s excruciatingly hard. I’m putting in the hard work of letting myself feel and heal.

I’m realizing that every time I walk away from God, or yell at the sky “why?” and “where were you?” I’m accusing him of being guilty of what my ex, and the monsters who attacked me and the ex bf who emotionally abused me, (and even myself for staying so long) are actually guilty of. That’s also betrayal. God understands betrayal. I’ve done it to him so many times. He hates that they did this to me. He hates that I allowed it for so long. It’s scary letting God into my wounds. But he’s not a man. I can trust him. He’s safe.

So if my eyes leak when we talk, you’ll know why. I’m learning and growing and healing. It’s the bravest, hardest thing I’m doing. It will take time and tears and effort to learn to trust and love and live fully. But in the end I’ll be better.

If I have opened up with you over coffee or messenger and shared my heart, perhaps this gives you some insight into how scary that has been for me. You’ve probably wondered why I cling or put up a wall and then cling again. This is why. I have a beautiful broken heart.

Why am I being so vulnerable?
Because somewhere someone is numbing their pain instead of facing it. So this is me, finally facing more trauma than I’ll EVER share on social media, saying to YOU – if I can, you can too.

If this is you, message me. I promise I’ll pray for you.

I love you. Yes, YOU. You’re so worthy of love. You’re too precious to walk through life with a wounded heart. Be brave with me. Let Jesus heal your heart.

Love,
Melissa

Posted in healing, Prayer, rest

Resting in Peace

I was in the hospital for a while yesterday. I suppose this was an appropriate location given my last blog on taking care of myself.

Bottom line though is…I’m sick. I’ve kept working through it this week (I took 3 half-days off), kept the house picked up after the kids, etc. But I’m extremely weak. When I got to the ER I wondered aloud why I hadn’t gone there two days earlier. My hips and legs hurt so badly (from dehydration from my stomach illness and vitamin deficiency) that it feels like it’s my very bones that ache. I got a bag of IV fluids, two meds for nausea, one for stomach pain, thiamine, and I’m on two antibiotics.

I’ve been on a mostly liquid diet since Tuesday morning and have to continue it for another week. If you handle life with prayer, I could use some right now. If you know me well, a text wouldn’t hurt either. Just sayin.

This is day 9 of my 40-day social-media-free journey. This week when I was so sick, I wanted to reach out to people via social media, but I didn’t. Instead I surrounded myself with my family, texted my closest girl-friends, and prayed.

I haven’t been perfect on this journey. I did peek in on social media on a couple of occasions, but there’s grace for that. And anyway, it’s my own journey.

I had bought tickets to take my son to Legoland and Sea Life Aquarium today, but mom ended up taking him. I also had plans to join one of my bestie girls (Shelby) for dinner in Celina and shower her with pre-birthday goodies (Happy Birthday Shelby-Lou) but I didn’t feel like going.

Instead I watched Braveheart and Avengers End-game and slept. A lot.

I tell you what, sleeping has been surprisingly peaceful this week. I usually can’t fall asleep, This afternoon I slept on the couch through two of my favorite battle scenes in Braveheart and had to rewind. I love that movie for so many reasons.

I’m not even sure I’ll post this publicly. It’ll probably post privately like so many of these do.

My point (mostly to self) is… I need more sleep and more prayer in my life. And apparently more B vitamins.

Sigh.

Speaking of sleep, I do believe I will…