Posted in healing

Times of Resting

I’m a huge advocate of being in the Word daily. But I’m finding that this, too has seasons. I recently spent 6 months solidly in the Word and read the Bible through from cover to cover in that time.

Right now I’m in the Bible sporadically. This has been a hard season. But it’s a season of growth. Of separating fact from fiction, reality from hope, and truth from lies.

I’m slowly awakening from a slumber I put myself in to protect myself from a whole lot of trauma I’ve gone through in my life.

So right now, although I’m not in the Word, the Word is in me. And God is regularly bringing it to mind to teach me truths in this season.

These are times of resting in God. Of leaning back in his arms and allowing him to open up my heart like a skilled surgeon and do the repair work that needs to be done.

The patient doesn’t speak during surgery. Just rests.

So please don’t worry about my social media absence. I’m in good hands.

Posted in Poetry

Line After Line

As I lay here in the dark
I hear the low hum of the freight train
As it runs its nightly course outside of town
And I wonder where it’s going and I wonder where it’s been
Oh it’s quiet here when you are not around
And the humming of the whistle sounds eerily like your name
And I hold my breath until it travels by
If I listen long enough
I convince myself you feel the same
And you’ll be home quick as you can fly
But when it’s gone
I swear I hear you say goodbye
One more time

Sometimes I sit alone
In the comfort of my porch swing
With the comfort of half-tea-half-lemonade
And I hear the tender sound
Of the night winds start to sing
It reminds me of all
The memories we made
And I think about the laughter
And the quiet talks we shared
And I know it’s madness
To sit and think
That once upon a time
You deeply loved,
You really cared
It’s then I find
I’m running out of drink
And my sapphire eyes are on the slowest blink

Sometimes I sit and write
In the quiet of my bedroom
After everyone else has finally gone to bed
And I thank God for the night and the rising of the moon
It’s the only time I have to clear my head
This is the only place I have for working off your memory
As long as I keep writing I’ll be fine
But I wonder when I’ll be free of this pain
And how much more is in me
You must be stacked in every corner of my mind
Because I keep writing off your memory line after line
After line after line after line

From my book:

Daybreak In My Soul: Lyrical Reflections on Life and Love

(c) 2006 ISBN: 978-1-84728-994-0

Posted in healing, heartache, Jesus, Life Lessons, Love, Prayer, Truth, Word, Writing

Me, Being Vulnerable

I took this picture on a beautiful night on a beach in Ventura, California. It was the only long trip I took with my husband. This is the cover of my book. It’s breathtaking. But I cannot look at it without wanting to throw up.
Why? He left. Suddenly. Had a baby with someone else.

Betrayal by someone you intimately, ultimately trusted (bio Dad, exes, friends who violently assaulted me) makes you question your worth, your decision making skill set, your whole life. It can cause you to dissociate from yourself. To cling to anyone who appears to love you while pushing them away with your actions. It causes you to feel unsafe in every single relationship you have. It’s cost me real love, and time, and closeness with people I adore.

It shuts you down, forces you to cope one way or the other. For me, I drank to numb the pain. I couldn’t handle it.

Sixteen years later I’m finally feeling it. All of it. Without the aid of any pain killers. And it’s excruciatingly hard. I’m putting in the hard work of letting myself feel and heal.

I’m realizing that every time I walk away from God, or yell at the sky “why?” and “where were you?” I’m accusing him of being guilty of what my ex, and the monsters who attacked me and the ex bf who emotionally abused me, (and even myself for staying so long) are actually guilty of. That’s also betrayal. God understands betrayal. I’ve done it to him so many times. He hates that they did this to me. He hates that I allowed it for so long. It’s scary letting God into my wounds. But he’s not a man. I can trust him. He’s safe.

So if my eyes leak when we talk, you’ll know why. I’m learning and growing and healing. It’s the bravest, hardest thing I’m doing. It will take time and tears and effort to learn to trust and love and live fully. But in the end I’ll be better.

If I have opened up with you over coffee or messenger and shared my heart, perhaps this gives you some insight into how scary that has been for me. You’ve probably wondered why I cling or put up a wall and then cling again. This is why. I have a beautiful broken heart.

Why am I being so vulnerable?
Because somewhere someone is numbing their pain instead of facing it. So this is me, finally facing more trauma than I’ll EVER share on social media, saying to YOU – if I can, you can too.

If this is you, message me. I promise I’ll pray for you.

I love you. Yes, YOU. You’re so worthy of love. You’re too precious to walk through life with a wounded heart. Be brave with me. Let Jesus heal your heart.