My dog is precious. Her name is Princess. She is a Cocker Spaniel with soft, silky black fur, sweet brown eyes, and when she curls up beside me on the couch and falls asleep with her head in my lap, it melts my heart.
But when I’m cooking dinner and she’s underfoot begging for scraps…ugh. And when my son put his burger too close to the edge of the table and walked into the kitchen for a drink only to find his burger gone and Princess licking her lips… super ugh.
“Dog!” I say with a raised voice…”didn’t I already feed you?!”
Yes. I fed her. She’s just waiting to see if something better gets dropped before resorting to her bowl of dry Beneful.
She’s just doing what doggies do. But I think sometimes that I have been just like the dog when it comes to relationships.
Waiting at the door for attention. Underfoot in the kitchen begging for scraps. Waiting. Pacing. Hoping someone will knock something off the counter. A kind word. A coffee meeting that I can pretend is a date. A text that is probably sent to multiple people as a copy, paste, repeat moment people never admit they do, but it won’t matter…it will FEEL special to me. I will feel singled out. Important. Oh, I know it’s not real love, it’s friendship, or conquest, or boredom, but who cares? It’s a scrap – quickly consumed, yet something that satisfies – for the moment.
I’m worthy of being taken out for a nice, quiet dinner and conversation. I’m way too precious to be begging for the leftovers of someone’s time and attention.
I’ll stop overgeneralizing. You get the analogy.
I am finally realizing that I don’t have to beg for love. I am worthy of love. And if someone doesn’t freely give it, it’s not real and it’s no good for me.
And I’m learning that when someone says let’s just be friends, they mean they’re not interested in more than that with me. Period.
I’ve looked back and counted the number of guy-good-friends I have had and it’s a lot and they all have the pattern of one casual coffee date quickly becoming “good” friends. Still praying through why I’m never seen as more than that. I still have a ways to go on understanding this one. Perhaps God is protecting me. That, and I’m a fantastic friend.
I am learning so many things lately.
I am learning to be quiet. To be content with what I have. To understand the difference between friendship-love and forever-love. To enjoy my life all by myself so much that I am not begging any longer for love and attention.
I am learning who I am and what my life-assignment is.
The last two days of this 40-day-journey (I’m on day 25 right now) I plan to take a short, unplugged, solo two-night trip – just God and me. To journal. To read. To pray. To breathe. To cry. To celebrate a successful journey.
Have I done this journey perfectly? No.
Have I made progress? Definitely.
If you’re praying, I appreciate you, more than you know.
Pray my heart heals. I realized tonight that although I’ve come really far, my heart still has open wounds that are still too painful to touch. They are painful because my feelings are 100% real. I learned that tonight too, when that place was touched for a moment and I winced, internally. Insta-tears. That’s how you know…
I’m just being real here. Because you who read me really pray and really love the real me.
Love you too.